update, I'm pregnant

So it’s been a long time since I actually posted on this blog, it will actually be year here in about three months. I really enjoy this blog even though I have neglected it for so long now. This is the place where I can put my thoughts and not be judged with how I feel. So I was looking back on the last post, and I have noticed that I was contemplating whether I had depression are not, since it’s been so long since I have posted I feel that I do have depression but I have not seek medical help for its. I mean I have my good days and then I have my bad days, or should I say I have my good moments and then I have my bad moments. But it’s all a work of progress I had just learned to take it day by day, on the bad days I take it minute by minute and seriously I really mean minute by minute.

This blog is like a diary for me and when I was younger and I actually have a diary that I would write in I never did it day by day I would always do periodically just when I felt the need to write my feelings down. So I was never good at keeping a daily journal like some people, even though I do like the concept of its I could just never do it daily.

Over the last past year or two years I have just came to the conclusion that it’s all up to God, and that I was not going to try to plan another pregnancy. And every month when my period would be a day late I would run out to the store and buy a pregnancy test, take the pregnancy test and get a negative results and then get myperiod the very next day. It would be a roller coaster ride every month I would be late  getting excited and then be disappointed. So here lately in the last past few months I have been waiting until I would be like about 3 to 5 days late and then run out and buy a test and again it would be negative and I get my monthly visitor a day later. So for the month of September I was late and waited and decided that I would wait until I was about two weeks late before I would by a test, cause let’s get realistic here pregnancy test are not really that cheap especially when you’re buying them monthly. I mean I know you can get the ones at Walmart $.4 but sometimes I just is like running into Walmart and would run into Walgreens instead and spend about $12 on a test. The middle of September came and gone and I had forgotten about my monthly visitor it to the end of September and I said to myselfmaybe I better go buy a test because my visitors didn’t come. So I had actually waited until October 2 to buy my test this time and decided to take if it’s late at night when everybody was sleeping. So now it’s about 1230 in the morning on October 3, 2012 and it’s a Wednesday I pee in a cup and guess what it comes up positive! I mean I was elated, I was so excited that I had with Jason up and trust me I never do that with him working two jobs by the middle of the week he’s been tired. I wake Jason and I am like so excited and I tell him honey I’m pregnant. Now mind you I just woke him up so he is a little disorientated, he is like what can I say you heard that I’m pregnant we’re going to have a baby! He sat up in bed gave me a hug for like ever, and I think he even started to cry little. I told him that I wasn’t going to tell anybody that was pregnant and he said that’s fine with him. But I ended up till my immediate family, but about telling anybody else will probably wait until I am about 5 to 6 months. I figured it’s okay to post on my blog because nobody reads this but me.

So I might be back tomorrow or sometime within a week to documents my feelings my thoughts and my emotions. So until then, bye

I might need help!!!!

I'm being to think that I might need help. I think I'm in a depression, I'm just not feeling good. At times I want to go back in time to before I got pregnant the first time,and then there is times I want to be right were I'm at. If I go back in time, my pain is gone but then I don't have my memories. And I want those memories;at times. My life is changing I don't know if it because I'm going to be 30 in 1 1/2 or because of my miscarriage's. I'm really trying to be happy but it just so hard. When I started writing this post I thought i was happy that i woke up everyday and my feet hit the floor. But now I'm wondering if that is true. I mean am I really happy or am I just going threw the motions of the day. Just thinking here. Ya I would have to say I'm semi happy but most of the time I'm just going threw the motions of the day. I just seem so broken and I need fix,but I can't so to the shop and be fix in a few hours. I have days were I don't cry at all,and then there's the ones were I wanna cry all day.

I like to have control in my life. I like controlling the people in my life. For example I have the most wonderful man in the world,he is just great. Jason will do anything for me and I mean anything to make me happy. But sometimes I can just be so nasty to him. I want to stop this,I want to be able to show him how much I love him. At times I feel like I've let him down because I haven't given him a child yet. I just don't feel like a women. Now that's the way I feel. Jason is just happy the way we are he says he don't need a child to complete us. And that when it our time god will bless us with our baby. See this is what I'm saying I have a wonderful guy.

I just wish I could get my emotions in check!!!!!! For now please keep me in your prayer's

It's been a hard month

So Christmas is here!!! It's just so different when your older. When your young you believe in the whole Santa thing. Then when you hit early teens you just don't care as long as you are getting gifts. Now that I'm almost pushing 30 the holidays are getting hard for me. I understand what the meaning of Christmas is,but it should would be nice to have a little one running around. I got my family and I'm grateful for that. But at this point in my life it hard sometimes to really enjoy the holidays. Don't get me wrong I enjoy them but it like there some things missing. I mean lets get real here for a moment,we all know Christmas isn't about giving. But kids make the holiday. To shop and wrap and put in under the tree and to see there face in the morning it just something. I've gotten to experience this with my little sister and brother but not with kids of my own. But I was hoping it was something I was going to be doing this Christmas;however I'm not. Some people just don't understand ,if your a women or man who's lost a child,not able to have kids or a pregnancy lost then I think you understand. I hope I'm not the only one feeling this way. I've been trying to shack this feeling but it is very hard and I wish that I've never had this feeling nor do I wish this on my worst enemy. I am trying to really enjoy the holidays. MERRY CHRISTMAS everyone!!!!!!!!

part 3 of intro

As I was saying I finally hit the 2nd trimester mark. So Sunday march 28 2010 my mom,sister,brother,and me had decided to take a ride to go to the craft store. As we were riding down the turn pipe I started to feel a little sick nothing big so I never said anything. We had just pulled into the parking lot of the craft store and was getting ready to pull in the parking space when all of the sudden I felt this warm feeling and my pants were soaked. I looked down and started to freak out i mean freak out. I couldn't believe what my eyes were seeing again there was blood every where. So I tell them we have to go home. We get back on the turn pipe and head towards home there is so much confusion going on. They want me to go to the hospital and I want to go home to clean up. I knew it was bad but I didn't want them to know that. I call home to speak with Jason and tell him what going on and he wants me to go to the hospital as well. Now mind you we were only 15-20mins away from home. As were driving down the highway the bleeding is getting worse,i mean it just gushing out of me. By this time I'm really sick and not really aware of my surrounds. The bleeding was so bad that when my sister look over see could the blood,my pants were soaked with blood half way down my upper thigh. I tell them to call Jason and tell him to meet me up hospital.

We made it to the hospital and the bleeding has only got worse. By this time I've lost so much blood that they said I was hemorrhaging and they had to remove the baby. As I'm writing this it seems so quick but it wasn't I laid there for at least 2 hours bleeding like this it was just crazy. I was so sick,tired,had no strength,and was going in and out of it. I could barely sign the paper to let them do the surgery. I honestly thought that I was going to die,and a part of me did not want to let them do the surgery. But I knew there was no chance of the baby surviving this. In my head there was a part of me that wanted to die too. But I knew that was not going to solve anything.

So this is my third miscarry,and the worst one mentally and psychically. After I woke up there was a nurse in the room checking my vitals and ask me if I wanted her to get my family. I told her to please give me a minute to myself. When she left I just started to cry and asking why? I spent 5days in the hospital and had to have a blood transfusion.

So that's the basic of my loses. These first three post are only the basic. I would have to say that my third lose was the worst for me. It's know 8 months latter and I think that I've gotten worse instead of better. But I'm trying and that all I could do. I hoping that by writing all this down it will help me and maybe someone else going threw this. I just never thought I would be going threw this. I had imagine that one day when Jason and i were ready to start a family that it would just happen easy. But it hasn't! I do have to say that there were a couple of good things did come out of this . First and for most I now have some kind of relationship with god,Jason and I relationship has gotten a lot stronger,and I now have three boys(my doggies). Jason and i have no kids don't misunderstand the last sentence.

Before I got pregnant the first time Ive never even picked up a bible i never had a relationship with god,but I do now. Its not as strong as i would like but I'm getting on that path. I do wonder why,but Ive learned I'm not going to get that answer so why ask. After my last lost i think I'm in a depression,but wont go to the doctors. I wont go to the doctors for anything call it hard head. I know. Ive had many sleepiness's nights,many tears shed,many unanswered questions. Jason been great threw all this,we have had many discussing about this and he supports any decisions I make. One of the thing that bother me the most is that Jason the person to carry on his name and I really would like to give him a child. It makes me feel less of a women. Ive been thinking lately i will have a child when god decides it time(I hope soon). Its not getting pregnant it staying pregnant that's my problem.

The mental part of this is insane,but lets not forget about the physical part. I've gain about 30-40 pounds since,I've always been over weight but this is just crazy now. I don't care what I look like when I go out. i used to wear make up and fix my hair now I don't. its like i don't have the energy for anything and I mean anything that includes sex. which by the way isn't me.

intro cont

Now on to my 2nd miscarried. Jason and i decided to try again for a baby,and going by what the doctor said it was best to try again right after my first lose. So that's what we did and guess what I got pregnant so easy this time. Seriously it happened on the first try. Again I was excited but yet a little nervous because it was so soon and didn't know what to expect. I had set up a appt. with doctor for end of October. But I never made it to the doctors because at 9weeks started to spot a little. When the spotting started I was a wreak again. This time around it was really quick,like i said I started to spot at night,by the time morning had come around I had started to bleed like I had my period. By the time evening hit I had passed the fetus and the next morning I was done.

I have to be completely honest here my second miscarried,was quick and did hurt a little just really bad cramps. Any miscarry is hard my first was horrible but my second was manageable if that makes sense. I think because I got to deal with it private no doctors,no exams,and no ultra sounds. Just me!!!

I never thought that I would be in the position in my life. I can't even begin to explain how these miscarries feel. They emotional and physically affected me. Like the life just got suck right out of me. So after I lost my 2nd baby I've decided to wait before we even began to talk about a baby. The crazy thing in all of this is that you don't forget any details and no matter how much you try and forget its all ways there. So we decided to wait about 9months before we tried again.

This time it took awhile before I got pregnant. But I did and this time around it was a roller coaster experience. I decided that i would go to the doctor once I hit 14weeks,because it seemed that every time I would make an appt I would start bleeding. I know that it is very important to go to the doctors early in the pregnancy. But from my past there was nothing they could have done cause it was so early. It was just my personal preference to wait until I hit my second trimester. The good news was I made it to my second trimester on Saturday march 27 2010. I was so happy and had just announced it to everybody(yes even face book). The reason why I waited was once you hit the 2nd trimester the miscarry rate go way done,and I figured I was in the clear and I got ecstatic. I thought this is it I'm going to have my baby.

Intro

I'm starting this blog to try and help me deal with my lose and pain. Some background info I'm currently 28 and really want to be a mother. I've had 3 miscarries so far. My first one was in June of 2008,my second October 2008, and my last one was in march 2010. My first miscarried happened at 7 weeks. The second was at 9 weeks,and the third was at 14 weeks.

It is so hard dealing with all these feelings and emotions. My last lost is just so hard to not understand,but wrap my head around. My second lost I dealt with pretty good I didn't go to the doctors for anything. I miscarried on my own, after the lost of my first,I just decided that doing it my own way would be better.

My first pregnancy I was just so super excited and told everyone. Then on mothers day in 2008 I had just taken Jason to work at 9am. I had my mom with me and decided to stop and get breakfast at McDonald's. As we were sitting in the car eating our food and talking about the baby I sneezed. And then I felt something wet in my pants,I thought that I peed a little( I guess that what it's called). So I put my hand down there to feel how wet I got my pants as I looked at my hand I PANICKED. All I seen was blood and started to cry. My mom calmed me down and said lets go to the E.R. I told her i wanted to go home and change cloths and take a bath. I really didn't think I was bleeding that bad. As i was sitting in the tub trying to clean up my water just turned red and I knew it was time to get my butt moving and head up to the hospital.

When I was at the hospital they did all the exams and testing they could do. The doctor I was seeing came into the room and explained that not all pregnancies work out,and that there is a chance I could miscarry. He also said that some women do have the bleeding early on but go on to have a healthy normal pregnancy. By this time my bleeding had slowed way down a little more then spotting,but not heavy. So I had left the hospital with the instruction of calling my obgyn and setting up a follow up. Monday morning came and I went to see my doctor explained everything going on. He did a vaginal exam and seen i was still bleeding a little. The doc. said to have my hcg levels monitored and to schedule an ultra sound.

So I had to go get blood drawn three time a weeks,for two weeks and have two ultra sounds down. I went for my first ultra sound thinking to was going to be the whole belly thing but no not me. Because it was so early in the pregnancy they had to do a vaginal ultra sound(which by the way doesn't hurt but just so uncomfortable)as the lady was doing this she said nothing to me. We heard the heart beating and still she didn't tell me. That really made me mad. So for week two had my hcg levels checked and schedule another ultra sound for Friday may 30th. By this time my bleeding had stopped and I was calling to find out my hcg levels they were low but OK the nurse had said.

So now I go to my ultra sound appt. and once again the have to do a vaginal ultra sound. This time the lady still didn't say anything to me until the end. She said "Go a head and get dressed and when your done go to the reception area and tell them you have to talk to Jenn." So let me first start out saying my mom had went with me for every appt. even came back and stayed with me threw everything,but this time she stayed in the car with my brother. So I get dressed and go up to the reception area and told them what the lady had said. So the reception said OK and told me to take a seat in this office. As I'm waiting there I'm wondering what is going on,this is taking way to long, all these thought just going threw my head. So in walks the lady and she introduces herself as Jenn and she goes on to tell my that with this ultra sound they did not detect a heart beat and my heart feel to my feet. My eyes started to get filled with water but because I was in front of a stranger I refrained myself from crying. Jenn was going over my options with me and had stated that I could wait for the fetus to pass naturally or I could have a D&C done. She also stated that they prefer to do a D&C because of infections and they could make sure that everything all got out. By this time I'm so upset I can't think and just walk right out of the room. I make it outside and just start balling, so I'm thinking i just want to go home and cry my eyes out and be alone. So I start walking to the car and my little brother yells out the window; "come on prego". I start crying even more I get in the car there asking me what wrong and I tell my mom and brother. I could barely speak or breath it was one of the worst moments in my life.

I decided to have the d&c done. I went on June 4th and that was one of the worst days for me. I was crushed. Jason and I had planned this we finally had reach a point in our life and relationship that we felt we were ready to start a family. Just to have it taken away was unfair and cruel at the time is how i felt.

My doc had said that if we were going to try again we should start right away just to wait a least one cycle before we have sex. So i talk it over with Jason and thats what we decided to do. At the time I thought that I was doing the right thing, but to learn later on I think i should have waited and dealt with my feeling instead on masking them thinking of another baby. Cause 2years later it still on my mind bothering me.