Intro

I'm starting this blog to try and help me deal with my lose and pain. Some background info I'm currently 28 and really want to be a mother. I've had 3 miscarries so far. My first one was in June of 2008,my second October 2008, and my last one was in march 2010. My first miscarried happened at 7 weeks. The second was at 9 weeks,and the third was at 14 weeks.

It is so hard dealing with all these feelings and emotions. My last lost is just so hard to not understand,but wrap my head around. My second lost I dealt with pretty good I didn't go to the doctors for anything. I miscarried on my own, after the lost of my first,I just decided that doing it my own way would be better.

My first pregnancy I was just so super excited and told everyone. Then on mothers day in 2008 I had just taken Jason to work at 9am. I had my mom with me and decided to stop and get breakfast at McDonald's. As we were sitting in the car eating our food and talking about the baby I sneezed. And then I felt something wet in my pants,I thought that I peed a little( I guess that what it's called). So I put my hand down there to feel how wet I got my pants as I looked at my hand I PANICKED. All I seen was blood and started to cry. My mom calmed me down and said lets go to the E.R. I told her i wanted to go home and change cloths and take a bath. I really didn't think I was bleeding that bad. As i was sitting in the tub trying to clean up my water just turned red and I knew it was time to get my butt moving and head up to the hospital.

When I was at the hospital they did all the exams and testing they could do. The doctor I was seeing came into the room and explained that not all pregnancies work out,and that there is a chance I could miscarry. He also said that some women do have the bleeding early on but go on to have a healthy normal pregnancy. By this time my bleeding had slowed way down a little more then spotting,but not heavy. So I had left the hospital with the instruction of calling my obgyn and setting up a follow up. Monday morning came and I went to see my doctor explained everything going on. He did a vaginal exam and seen i was still bleeding a little. The doc. said to have my hcg levels monitored and to schedule an ultra sound.

So I had to go get blood drawn three time a weeks,for two weeks and have two ultra sounds down. I went for my first ultra sound thinking to was going to be the whole belly thing but no not me. Because it was so early in the pregnancy they had to do a vaginal ultra sound(which by the way doesn't hurt but just so uncomfortable)as the lady was doing this she said nothing to me. We heard the heart beating and still she didn't tell me. That really made me mad. So for week two had my hcg levels checked and schedule another ultra sound for Friday may 30th. By this time my bleeding had stopped and I was calling to find out my hcg levels they were low but OK the nurse had said.

So now I go to my ultra sound appt. and once again the have to do a vaginal ultra sound. This time the lady still didn't say anything to me until the end. She said "Go a head and get dressed and when your done go to the reception area and tell them you have to talk to Jenn." So let me first start out saying my mom had went with me for every appt. even came back and stayed with me threw everything,but this time she stayed in the car with my brother. So I get dressed and go up to the reception area and told them what the lady had said. So the reception said OK and told me to take a seat in this office. As I'm waiting there I'm wondering what is going on,this is taking way to long, all these thought just going threw my head. So in walks the lady and she introduces herself as Jenn and she goes on to tell my that with this ultra sound they did not detect a heart beat and my heart feel to my feet. My eyes started to get filled with water but because I was in front of a stranger I refrained myself from crying. Jenn was going over my options with me and had stated that I could wait for the fetus to pass naturally or I could have a D&C done. She also stated that they prefer to do a D&C because of infections and they could make sure that everything all got out. By this time I'm so upset I can't think and just walk right out of the room. I make it outside and just start balling, so I'm thinking i just want to go home and cry my eyes out and be alone. So I start walking to the car and my little brother yells out the window; "come on prego". I start crying even more I get in the car there asking me what wrong and I tell my mom and brother. I could barely speak or breath it was one of the worst moments in my life.

I decided to have the d&c done. I went on June 4th and that was one of the worst days for me. I was crushed. Jason and I had planned this we finally had reach a point in our life and relationship that we felt we were ready to start a family. Just to have it taken away was unfair and cruel at the time is how i felt.

My doc had said that if we were going to try again we should start right away just to wait a least one cycle before we have sex. So i talk it over with Jason and thats what we decided to do. At the time I thought that I was doing the right thing, but to learn later on I think i should have waited and dealt with my feeling instead on masking them thinking of another baby. Cause 2years later it still on my mind bothering me.