As I was saying I finally hit the 2nd trimester mark. So Sunday march 28 2010 my mom,sister,brother,and me had decided to take a ride to go to the craft store. As we were riding down the turn pipe I started to feel a little sick nothing big so I never said anything. We had just pulled into the parking lot of the craft store and was getting ready to pull in the parking space when all of the sudden I felt this warm feeling and my pants were soaked. I looked down and started to freak out i mean freak out. I couldn't believe what my eyes were seeing again there was blood every where. So I tell them we have to go home. We get back on the turn pipe and head towards home there is so much confusion going on. They want me to go to the hospital and I want to go home to clean up. I knew it was bad but I didn't want them to know that. I call home to speak with Jason and tell him what going on and he wants me to go to the hospital as well. Now mind you we were only 15-20mins away from home. As were driving down the highway the bleeding is getting worse,i mean it just gushing out of me. By this time I'm really sick and not really aware of my surrounds. The bleeding was so bad that when my sister look over see could the blood,my pants were soaked with blood half way down my upper thigh. I tell them to call Jason and tell him to meet me up hospital.
We made it to the hospital and the bleeding has only got worse. By this time I've lost so much blood that they said I was hemorrhaging and they had to remove the baby. As I'm writing this it seems so quick but it wasn't I laid there for at least 2 hours bleeding like this it was just crazy. I was so sick,tired,had no strength,and was going in and out of it. I could barely sign the paper to let them do the surgery. I honestly thought that I was going to die,and a part of me did not want to let them do the surgery. But I knew there was no chance of the baby surviving this. In my head there was a part of me that wanted to die too. But I knew that was not going to solve anything.
So this is my third miscarry,and the worst one mentally and psychically. After I woke up there was a nurse in the room checking my vitals and ask me if I wanted her to get my family. I told her to please give me a minute to myself. When she left I just started to cry and asking why? I spent 5days in the hospital and had to have a blood transfusion.
So that's the basic of my loses. These first three post are only the basic. I would have to say that my third lose was the worst for me. It's know 8 months latter and I think that I've gotten worse instead of better. But I'm trying and that all I could do. I hoping that by writing all this down it will help me and maybe someone else going threw this. I just never thought I would be going threw this. I had imagine that one day when Jason and i were ready to start a family that it would just happen easy. But it hasn't! I do have to say that there were a couple of good things did come out of this . First and for most I now have some kind of relationship with god,Jason and I relationship has gotten a lot stronger,and I now have three boys(my doggies). Jason and i have no kids don't misunderstand the last sentence.
Before I got pregnant the first time Ive never even picked up a bible i never had a relationship with god,but I do now. Its not as strong as i would like but I'm getting on that path. I do wonder why,but Ive learned I'm not going to get that answer so why ask. After my last lost i think I'm in a depression,but wont go to the doctors. I wont go to the doctors for anything call it hard head. I know. Ive had many sleepiness's nights,many tears shed,many unanswered questions. Jason been great threw all this,we have had many discussing about this and he supports any decisions I make. One of the thing that bother me the most is that Jason the person to carry on his name and I really would like to give him a child. It makes me feel less of a women. Ive been thinking lately i will have a child when god decides it time(I hope soon). Its not getting pregnant it staying pregnant that's my problem.
The mental part of this is insane,but lets not forget about the physical part. I've gain about 30-40 pounds since,I've always been over weight but this is just crazy now. I don't care what I look like when I go out. i used to wear make up and fix my hair now I don't. its like i don't have the energy for anything and I mean anything that includes sex. which by the way isn't me.
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